listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
