at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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