someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
