so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
hell yes lets make some ravioli
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I understand Curling. That high.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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