I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
do herpes really smell.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Can you bring me the toilet please
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
