I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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