There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
