Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
