I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
