FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
