all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
