I am in a vortex of obligation.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
