Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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