cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
