Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
