i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
