So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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