I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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