Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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