im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
