We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
