We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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