We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
