His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
