I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
