i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
