mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
