I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
