if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
