think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
PANTIES FOUND
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