i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Two words: blizzard sex
Randomize
