Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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