well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
