I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
