if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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