I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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