i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
