even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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