i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
