got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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