i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
