Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
