I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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