You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
