Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
