My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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