after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
my liver is dry heaving
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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