The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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