cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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