he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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