what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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